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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

a bit overly sleepy

So I don't sleep very well. i never really have ever slept very well. I always get woken up by something, whether it be a person, bad dream, crazy idea, or a random loud noise.  So I've become accustomed to just waiting until everything and everyone in the house finally goes to bed. Then when all is silent i can concentrate on relaxing my mind so I can try to go to sleep.  sometimes this process of relaxing can take anywhere from 1 to 4 hours.  My main issue is that no one truly understands how thin some walls really are, and how much noise travels through those walls.  further more I doubt they even care because they're doing their own thing and they aren't thinking about anything/anyone else but them selves at that particular moment in time. Once I do finally fall asleep I drift in and out throughout the night/early morning waking up anywhere from 3 to 8 times in one sleep cycle. I've noticed that as I get older it has gotten a little worse each year. waking up more frequently, or not wanting to sleep at all because of how "useless it feels" to even try because you know it won't work. At least when I had a job I had things to do the next day, so I had to force myself to sleep, sometimes it worked most times it didn't. The more I don't get a full night sleep the grumpier I get and the more annoyed I get with the people around me that I care about. The season doesn't help much either... I'm not one for the holidays and I really don't appreciate fall and winter as much as most. it kind of makes me feel really sad because everything is dying and decaying. Yeah it bring forth new life in the spring but it's still not pleasant to see everyday. I like green and warmth and life, it's more inviting. Winter, everything's just dead and buried under the frozen earth decaying until the day the warm sun finally frees it from the rotten floor.
even when i was a kid i used to wake up at night and be horrified by the things i saw in my head. it was like a horror movie factory, pumping out the scariest shit you can't even think of. I grew up and I've learned to just try to deal with it...  so as a result of this .... I wake up probably 4 times a night on average making sure that what i just saw wasn't real. I wake up look around and get repositioned and do the whole trying to relax routine again. that takes about a hour but sometimes if i'm lucky 30 to 45 minutes.  I go back to sleep sometimes i end up back into the same dream and i wake up again or i'm in a completely different thing and within an hour or two sometime three i'm up again and have to go through the whole thing all over again.  like i said before i'm actually used to this routine by now and have been for a while, but now i have to deal with outside influences such as roommates and neighbors and television and video games and random visitors coming to see people.  so it puts a big damper on the process of trying to relax to even go to bed in the first place. By the time everyone finally shuts up it's already 3 - 4 o' clock.  Lets play out an example of how this works....  now go to bed at say 3am in about 2 hours you finally fall asleep for about 1 to 3 hours. you're awake either from a weird dream or a freaky scary one,  its anywhere between 6 and 8 am you go back to sleep it takes you about an hour this time, 1 hour later everyone is waking up and going to work or doing something outside within their vehicles causing them to be extremely loud and annoying, or talking loudly or giggling or turning the tv up so they can hear it in the kitchen... you know, getting ready for the day at hand, even though you just went to sleep. so it's about 10 am and the world is busy around you ... you have had maybe 3 to 4 hours of interrupted sleep. so you try to go back to sleep for another hour at least.  so 10am you go back to sleep it takes you about an hour maybe 2 depends on how mad/annoyed you get, then you wake up to a stupid text message, more loud people in the house, someone is beeping or slamming their car doors closed..... you have now officially gotten maybe, anywhere between 5 to 6 hours of sleep in one night. Or you can a just say fuck it and stay awake and grumpy until you finally break down in a nervous fit.  I sometimes wonder why i'm not a people ....  hmm.  I'm just really tired and for once i'd like it if maybe just maybe i could actually try to get to sleep at say 12 or 1 not 3a ....because even though i might just wake up more often i would still like the choice to at least try to get a better sleep at reasonable times meant for sleeping by most people. i really don't like it when people blatantly don't care about anyone else but themselves

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